A Poem for Pops

When going through all of Ryan’s things, I found this single piece of paper folded up in his little safe. It’s a handwritten copy of a poem he wrote about our Dad. Ryan didn’t write a ton of things down (preferring to live his life rather than write about it), so this is really a unique and special find.

It’s not dated, but I’m guessing that Ryan wrote it around the same time that he posted it on Facebook back in January 2016. He was not one to post on social media very much so this was a rare emotional post. Our dad’s passing from cancer in 2009 affected him deeply and was probably the greatest “what if?” of his life (and mine too to that point). What would our lives be like if he was still here? If our family was still whole? What if we got to work together and play together and do all the things that we dreamed of doing together? It felt like it could all be so different. But, as Ryan says here, “the pain subsided” (note: he never says went away because those things don’t, but yes, they do subside with time) and we were “doing OK”. The line “it’s tough to recall the past” hits deep because it really does get hard to remember them as they actually were (rather than an idealized or simplified version). It’s why I absolutely love stories about my dad or my brother because those real stories with real details from people that knew and loved them help me not just to remember them but to remember them well. Never be afraid to bring up my dad or my brother to me. I absolutely love it. I sometimes sense fear or apprehension as people don’t want to risk opening up a painful wound, but that wound aches like hell everyday already so don’t worry about that. Your stories about them are such a joy and a relief to me. Share them with me always!

I printed off a copy of Ryan’s poem to read at the funeral. His own words on grief as we grieved his sudden loss felt right at the time. It was an incredibly hectic couple of days so as we were rushing to get in the car to go over to the church, I asked Kathryn if she could drive so I could scribble some quick notes on the poem print-out on the way over. I don’t really remember actually using these notes, but that 15 minute drive did help me get some thoughts together.

As you can see in my scribbled notes, the main thing I wanted people at the funeral to know was that Ryan loved them. If you’re reading this and you’ve somehow forgotten, this is your reminder that Ryan Loves You!